When Patriarchy Gets in Our Heads: Seeing the Subtle Ways It Shows Up

A quiet kind of patriarchy lives inside many of us—shaping how we think, act, and see ourselves. This post explores what internalized patriarchy looks

Patriarchy isn’t always obvious. It’s not just some law or a man in charge. Sometimes, it sneaks in quietly—through the way we think, the habits we’ve picked up, the doubts we carry. It can shape how we treat ourselves, how we see other women, and even what we think strength should look like.

That’s because patriarchy doesn’t just live out in the world. Sometimes, it lives in us.

This is what we call internalized patriarchy—and a lot of us are carrying it without even realizing.

So, What Is Internalized Patriarchy?

It’s when we take in the messages from a patriarchal world—ideas about how women should behave, look, speak—and we start turning those same messages on ourselves and others. It’s that inner voice saying:

"You’re too emotional."

"You should try to be more agreeable."

"Don’t take up too much space."

"You need to work twice as hard to prove yourself."

"Other women are the competition."

We didn’t ask for these beliefs. We picked them up from a culture that often values dominance over vulnerability, logic over intuition, control over care.

But the good news? We can unlearn them.

How Internalized Patriarchy Shows Up in Daily Life

Here are a few ways it might be playing out:

1. Holding Back Your Voice
You don’t speak up in meetings or group settings because you worry you’ll come off as “too much” or not say it right.

We’ve been taught that our voices don’t matter as much. And that message has stuck.

2. Judging Other Women
Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking, “She’s too full of herself” or “Who does she think she is?”

We’ve been conditioned to see other women as rivals instead of allies.

3. Doing Too Much
You take on everything—at work, at home—because being selfless feels like the only way to be valuable.

Women are praised for being everything to everyone. Setting boundaries? That’s often seen as selfish.

4. Second-Guessing Your Feelings
You cry and immediately apologize. Or you feel deeply but wonder if you’re just being dramatic.

We’ve been told emotions are a sign of weakness—especially for women.

5. Hiding Feminine Traits
You try to seem more logical, push down your intuition, or avoid being seen as too nurturing.

Because let’s be honest: society often sees “masculine” traits as strengths, and “feminine” ones as flaws.

6. Looking for Male Approval
Maybe a compliment from a man makes you feel more confident. Or his opinion makes you second-guess your own.

It’s subtle, but it shows how much we’ve learned to see ourselves through the male gaze.

Why It Matters

When we don’t notice internalized patriarchy, it quietly shapes our lives—how we love, how we work, how we parent, how we lead, and how we see ourselves.

And if we’re not careful, we end up reinforcing the same systems we’re trying to break free from.

Unlearning it isn’t about blaming ourselves. It’s about setting ourselves free.

Where to Start

This work is powerful. Here’s how to begin:

1. Pay Attention: Notice that inner voice. Where did that belief come from?

2. Shift the Script: When a thought rooted in patriarchy pops up, pause. Ask yourself: What would I say if I trusted myself more?

3. Find Your People: Healing happens in community. Join spaces where softness and strength can live side by side—like our women’s circles.

4. Cheer for Other Women: Say it out loud. Celebrate them. Their shine doesn’t dim yours.

5. Embrace Your Feminine Side: Trust your gut. Rest without guilt. Lead with compassion.

In Closing

Patriarchy taught us to doubt ourselves. But healing is about coming back home to who we really are.

Sometimes, the most powerful kind of resistance isn’t loud. Sometimes, it’s a quiet, firm voice saying:

I don’t have to earn my rest.
I believe her.
I can lead from my heart.

That’s resistance.
That’s healing.
That’s how we rise.

Curious to go deeper? Join one of my upcoming circles and start this journey of unlearning—together.