Understanding Patriarchy: The System We Live In — A Pattern We Can Change

How circle work is an act of resistance to patriarchy

Ever found yourself staying quiet just to keep the peace? Or watched women cheer on others while barely keeping themselves afloat? Maybe you've noticed how boys are told to "man up" and girls are encouraged to "be nice." These moments aren’t random—they’re part of a bigger pattern called patriarchy.

Patriarchy is an old, deeply rooted system that shapes how we live, think, and treat each other. It's everywhere—often invisible, but always there, influencing how we see ourselves and others.

What Is Patriarchy, Really?
At its core, patriarchy is a social system where men tend to hold most of the power—whether that’s in leadership, moral authority, or even over property. It lifts up masculine traits and often downplays or dismisses feminine ones.

But this isn’t just about men versus women. It’s about power—who gets it, what kinds of people are valued, and who gets left out. And those who don’t fit the usual mold—like women, queer and trans folks, people of color, and those with disabilities—often end up on the margins.

Where We Still See It
Even though the word "patriarchy" might sound outdated or academic, it shows up all the time:

At work: Unequal pay, the unpaid emotional labor women do, and the backlash women face for being assertive.
At home: The idea that women are just naturally better at caregiving while men are better at leading.
In the media: Oversexualized portrayals of women, or men being mocked for showing feelings.
In politics: Too few women or gender-diverse people in leadership roles.
In healthcare: Women’s pain being dismissed or misdiagnosed.

The Part We Carry Inside
Patriarchy isn’t just something outside of us—it lives in us, too. That inner voice saying things like:

"Don’t be too emotional."
"Be more likeable."
"He’s strong because he doesn’t cry."
"You need to prove yourself."

It trains women to compete instead of support each other. It teaches men to bottle things up, mistaking vulnerability for weakness.

Why It Doesn’t Look the Same for Everyone
Our experience of patriarchy is also shaped by other things—like race, class, and history. A white woman’s experience won’t be the same as a Hmong woman’s. A trans man faces different challenges than a cis man. That’s why Kimberlé Crenshaw’s idea of intersectionality matters—it helps us understand how all these different layers of identity affect how oppression and privilege show up.

So, How Do We Start Changing It?
It’s not just about fighting the system—it’s about choosing to live differently. Here’s what that can look like:

Call it out: Speak up when you see bias.
Let go of the old scripts: Embrace things like intuition, honesty, softness, and care.
Create space: Start or join groups where people can show up as their full selves.
Rethink leadership: Value compassion, collaboration, and courage.
Push for fairness: Support policies that help those who’ve been left behind.

The Power of Circle
In the women’s circles I lead, I’ve seen how patriarchy starts to unravel in safe, honest spaces. There’s no one person with all the answers—it’s about what we build together when we drop the masks, the fear, and the shame.

Every time a woman shares her truth and feels heard,
Every time someone says “yes” or “no” from a place of knowing,
Every time we choose connection over competition; something shifts.

A Final Thought
Patriarchy teaches us to disconnect. But healing is about finding our way back to each other.

As Bell Hooks once said, "Patriarchy has no gender." We’ve all been shaped by it, and we all have the power to change it.

So the real question is: What kind of world do we want to leave behind?

One that clings to power and control?
Or one rooted in belonging, balance, and shared strength?

Your voice matters. Your healing matters. And it’s all part of something bigger.

Want to go deeper? Come join my next Circle. Let’s shift the story—together.

With love,
Annie